then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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