Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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