I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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