could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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