my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
