he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Congratulations! We have a period
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