I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
