I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
