you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
