I think I won the penis lottery.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
