Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize