I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
