Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
