she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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