suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
