I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
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She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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