I met the friendliest cop last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You dont lie about slip and slides
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
