you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
