Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
