Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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