know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
