So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
