it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
