He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
