i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
