youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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