she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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