i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She announced her abortion via fbk
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You are the jesus of drinking
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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