Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
