mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
