Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
