checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
