You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
