Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
