my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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