proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
