Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
