i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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