I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
honey bunches of taint.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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