I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm sobbing to NWA
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
