No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
