i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
