I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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