Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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