i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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