sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
