im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
