Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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