i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
