Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
