i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
so much tequila, so little girl.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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