After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
