On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
