Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything I said about communal showers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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