if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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