Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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