Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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